CHRIST THE LORD;;my saviour

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

i shld rly go jump down the building.
i shld rly go die now.
i will NEVER EVER 4give myself abt tis.

all i wanted was to hv all of us 2gether and all of us doin well together and all of us striving.
looks lyk its seems too much?

i feel so awful.
i juz noticed dat i cldnt smile the moment i heard it.
i realised dat i cant.
i relised dat i did not want tis to happen.

its lyk deja vu.
all the rules in tis simple frenship has juz got broken again.
and tis time its by me.
i've never expected tis to happen.
i shld be more cautious next time.

i dunno how many times i broke down already.
everyting seems to be catching up wth me.

i shld never ever hv frenz.

u shld never ever had listened to me.

i shld never ever spoke at all.

i feel lyk shit now.

i dunno wad the hell is wrong.

i feel helpless.

i cant. cant help myself tis time.
i've juz lost everyting i tot i had.
i'm in no mood to go anywhere, do anything.

oh gosh i wld rly prefer it if u juz kill me urself.

i dunno how am gonna face u.
dunno how i'm gonna face myself.
dunno how i'm gonna actually face the others.

no one shld ever be frenz wth me.
datz all i'm asking for tis new yr.
they shld never be too close to me.
coze i realise dat everytime they do,
I screw up half the time.
I spoil the fun.

I can't get anyting right.

none of tis is ur fault.
its all mine.

though u degraded urself.
i tried to help by convincing u not to.
but turns out dat i juz made evryting worst.

don't bother to call me to tell me abt conference.
i don't even tink i can handle it.

mind as well knock myself against the freakin computer now till i start bleeding.

i'm so sry.
i rly dunno wattado.
i'm at a lost.
all the way.

i'm to blame.
i'm the one dat shld stop bein frenz wth u.
u've got all rights to be angry wth me.
and i hv a feeling we're not gonna dat close frenz anymore.
and i hate juz tinking abt it.
and i hate having to ache so badly juz tinking abt it.
and i noe i loss one already.
i rly didnt expect to lose u too.

i'm broken.
i'm so hurtted.
i'm bein twisted and tangled in my own life.
and i cant untangle it.
no one can.
juz stay away frm me.
b4 i start spoiling ur frenship.
or ours.
if we had any.

everyting is juz catching up too quickly.
1st, ****.
now, ****.

maybe i'm not suppose to hv any close or good frenz in tis world.
maybe i'm not suppose to even be in express.
maybe all my mum has said is true.
maybe i am dumb.
maybe i cant make it tis yr in trip sci.
maybe i shld juz isolate myself and never come out.
maybe i shld juz lock myself up.
chain myself up.
and make sure i don't hurt anyone but myself.

i am dumb.

maybe i shld juz die right here right now.

and probably my mum is right.
she did say dat she didnt want to see me hang out wth **** and **** too much.

i shld never make anymore frenz in my life.

i shld never ever ever ever 4give myself.
coze i cant.
i dun tink i can.

i'm sry.
rly i am.
to both u guys
i cant do anyting now.
tis is one frenship i shld not try to salvage.
i shld juz treat them as memories dat never happened.
i shld juz not even talk to u guuys again.
i shld juz..
juz rmber all the fun times we had and stick to dat.
and i shld pretend dat they were dreams i wished i had.

u guys brought me the best fun i've ever had.

and if it were to disappear now, i wldnt noe wattado.
coze i'm helpless.
and i wished i never had talked abt it.
all i wanted rly was for us to strive together.
regardless wadeva stream wadeva age we were.
coze we're frenz.
and we shld help each other.
and u've always been there for us.
so i wanna be there for u now.
its our turn
but u keep degrading urself, keep rejecting the offer.

and well.
i shld hv stopped.
i forgot my limits.
forgot eveyting.
and i lost it.
and i lost everyting too.

i juz cant imagine dat it was only 1 yr.
tis is seriously deja vu.
a deja vu i wanted never ever to happen in my life since p5.

oh gosh.
i shld rly hang myself or sumting.

i wld prefer u ignore me for the rest of our lives.
if dat keeps u happy to see me depressed.

and if i rly cant do anyting to salvage tis frenship.
i guess not.
i guess i cant.
i've tried.
lots of times.
but apparently they only work after 1 or 1 and a half yrs.
its time dat takes up everyting.
and i dun tink i dare to salvage tis one.

someone juz kill me now.
someone juz do someting.

and i shld never be frenz wth others too closely anymore.
it hurts them and hurts me too.
it hurts them but hurts me more.
to them it may be someting dat leaves a small stain there.
but i was the one who screwed up.
so the stain there is no longer a stain but a deep cut, leaving a deep scar.

i cant 4gv myself for wad happened.
i cant.
its too difficult.

and i realise i hv lost BOTH the greatest frenz i've had.
coze i lost one and now tis.

i wish i didnt even appear on tis earth rite now.
i wish i wld stop breaking down so easily over these stuff.
coze everytime i do, the scar turns into a fresh deep cut again.
and its so damn hard to sew it back.
and since its deja vu, i shld get used to it.
but i cant.

the scar re-appears and cuts me again.
spreading its blood stains everywhere and leaving a larger mess, a larger cut and a larger scar.