CHRIST THE LORD;;my saviour

Friday, June 28, 2013

哭不出来: that was how happy i was :)

Poison and Wine

the civil wars

You only know what I want you to

I know everything you don't want me to

Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

You think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will

I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give, the more I get back

Oh, your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice but I still choose you

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will

I don't love you, but I always will

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will

I don't love you, but I always will

I always will

this song just makes me cry. sigh. but. 哭不出来。

流不出来的眼泪 :/

ANW, this is not me sliding back its just feelings that come and go :)

and, like my objective friend said: you cant cry cause that was how happy you were.

ytd a funny friend asked me: do you want to wait?

i ~~dont~~ love you, and i always will.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Acceptance

i think being sleep deprived offered some clarity. having only slept 1.5hrs ytd and today having a full schedule out. i think overall God is still v good to me. i just wanna share some thoughts i learnt today. especailly on acceptance.

i alwaqys thought i was a v accepting and accommodating person. but today i realized it wasnt that acceptance i needed to face. it was acceptance of the situation i'm in.

Today i had a rather pleasant conversation with my rather wise and objective friend. i would say i have been running around looking around everywhere for answers on what i should do. because honestly i dont know what and how i should be. i dont know if there is some code i should be calling. or some ultimatum i should be giving. or some timing i should be setting.

eveyrone i have spoken to so far all care abt me and are all thinking abt my welfare. but i really have to say, i just cant seem to grasp everything. maybe its cause this is considered like my first heart-break or maybe its just i cant really seem to comprehend my loss.

in one word, acceptance. i havent found it in me to accept the what has, what is and what is to come. i feel like i cant even think of the what is to come. because i think i have accepted the what has and what is. i really cant get a hold onto what is to come.

friend: think about it this way, he knew it wasnt fair to keep you on the hook. so he is telling you to go. fly away.
me: i dont want to fly away. i'm here to stay.
friend: how much justice are you ding to his pain that he already tell you to go. relationship is not anout giving you know. if you arent taking, the other person will feel left out too. as in the other person will try very hard to give already. and you are not actively taking. its damn sad
me: so you mean i need to take this, being happy and normal for him?
friend: its not for him. its for yourself. for someone to love you, you need to love yourself.
me: so i'm supposed to take the freedom he is giving me to be happy?
friend: i dont see self love anymore, only for him. yes. thats what people say move on. think about yourself.

so i guess i have been very selfish. clinging on to this thought and looking for asnwers on how or what i should be doing... wont help me and definately wont help him. i want to let go. and leave it to God. but i dont know how.

i have cried over my sins and my mistakes and laid them before God.
i have cried over repenting and coming before God asking for forgiveness
i have cried over surrendering and just fixing my eyes on God now.
i managed to cry over my loss when it became all so real thanks to adriel.
but i think i havent exaclty cried over the fact that the lost may not come back. i mean i did once or twice. but i think i still need to cry. 可是我哭不出来。

Me: i'm afraid to sleep. i will start dreaming.
A wise and objective friend: there is nothing wrong with remembering the good things. in fact that is what you should take away, just have to mentally accept its over.
Me: :(
friend: Don't be so hard on yourself. if you need to cry. go ahead. bottling up will not help
Me: i want to cry. but i cant. i just cant. 哭不出来. i dont understand why i cannot cry.
friend: don't beat yourself over it. it is probably becaused you havent felt the need to for a long time. Thats how happy you were :)

that conversation i had with my dear friend made me realize one thing. there wasnt a dull or terrible moment so bad that gave me a need to feel upset in this way. in a sense, upset here meaning upset about a possible permanent loss. sure i cried and was upset in between. but it wasnt for a permanent loss but alw ended with tears of hope and the knowledge that we will work out.

friend: stop going around fixing it.
i dont know where else to turn but to the cross.

谦卑的君王荣耀的君王
祢甘心卑微顺服捨命在十架上

谦卑的君王荣耀的君王
我得医治因祢鞭伤
无尽恩典我心感恩

十架的爱何等奇妙
超乎我所求所想
洗净我罪脱离污秽
穿上公义洁白衣裳

十架的爱何等奇妙
我生命从此不再一样
带我重回天父怀抱
在永恆里我不停歌唱
十架的爱

带我重回天父怀抱
在永恆里我不停歌唱

十架的爱

I want to learn to accept. i want to learn to fully and completely let go to God. I don't know if I can do it. But I after today I am reaffirmed in God. I know God will take care of me regardless the outcome. the scary scary outcome.

Dear Lord, thank you for the pain and the sorrows you sllow. to let me know who is God and who is in control. Father i really just want to surrender into your arms. thank you for letting me know i am weak without you. Father i am really grateful for everything that has happened. i am really grateful i got a chance. although i want another but Lord please please please help me fix my eyes on what you want and what you will. Father i really just want to pour out my heart and let you fill it. fill it with your love so that i can never be thirsty again and i can be secure in your name and your name alone. Lord there are many things i dont understand but father please reveal your ways and your works. grant me strength and stamina. i dont know how long i am going to take to fully accept what has happened. but Lord i will try my best and i need you to sustain me and help me rely in your unfailing love. help me look only to you and know you are God. Father teach me to be okay with all this. teach me to just await your answer. Lord please strengthen me. thank you father for letting me be weak in front of you. letting me cry to you and cry out to you. father above all give me peace with whatever decision you make. whatever decision he makes. father only you know what mistakes were made that led to this. i just pray that you continue to offer clarity and wisdom to him. shower him with your unfailing love and let him see your wonders and your works, thank you father for everything.

Amen

Fly away. Go ahead. I cut off all the strings now. But I keep mine safe and dear. I hope God will reattach them, otherwise I know he will reattach them to a better plan. Much as I don't want that. But I want God's will more than what I want. I want to learn to accept.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

我需要有你在我生命中

哦主，求你保守我的心我的意念，
使我能夠遵行你旨意，
我願將你話語深藏在我心，
作路上的光，成為我腳前的燈。

哦主，求你堅固我信心、我的力量，
使我得以勇敢向前行，
因我知道有時我仍會軟弱，
求你帶領我使我不會再退縮，
我需要有你在我生命中，
好讓我一生能學你的樣式，
使我能成為你所喜悅的兒女，
使我的生命能夠彰顯你榮耀。

Monday, June 24, 2013

Gifts from God

I cannot emphasize how amazing God is in my life.
Despite everything that has happened, i cannot stop giving thanks. cannot stop having a heart of thanksgiving and cannot stop seeing how God is working through me, in me and around me. this song by 赞美之泉 has really been speaking to me and giving me comfort :)

聖靈啊，求你來，我軟弱你明白，我無言你歎息，親自為我代求；

你鑒察我的心，使我走在屬神旨意，你醫治我的靈，使我生命再次絢麗。

啊，我心不住讚美，啊，我靈不住稱謝，

一宿雖有哭泣，早晨必歡呼，主的恩典是一生之久；

啊，我心不住讚美，啊，我靈不住稱謝，

一宿雖有哭泣，早晨必歡呼，主的恩典乃是一生之久。

I am happy. really happy. with God i am. I am so filled with his grace. now i can start asking God to prepare me all over again. asking God to teach me and to show me his ways all over again.

New beginnings? Amen! I am joyful from the bottom of my heart. because i know that God has beautiful and wonderful plans for me. somehow i cant stop thinking of that. and also the God will never give me anything too big for me to handle. So, why then should i fear anything God has in plan for me? why should i fear the trials or temptations or situations he places me in. today as i recall my QT from last night and from the lessons i learnt in bible study, i realized i shouldnt fear what God has put before me and face it head on, because he has well equipped me with people who care for me and for you. he has placed people and strength in the fellowship around me. even non-christians, fallen christians. i cannot stop thinking abt God's wonders and i can rejoice. really rejoice.

ironically, in the midst of the haze he provided much clarity and he cleared the skies for me. this morning when i woke up, i had a even stronger determination to fight and show God how much i am thankful for.

Thank God for his sovereignty and his power and authority. Thank you God for looking out for me and giving me so many things i can be thankful for. Thank you God for letting on this journey of self-discovery and of learning to lean on him. I really dont know how to explain to my non-christian friends how fast i grow and change my mindset. sure, at nights i may spiral. but thanks to a close and kind and caring friend i feel stronger, safer and more secure in God and his plans. i really cannot explain it, it is really a joy and peace that comes from God. so, THANKYOUGOD. ILOVEYOU.

i will place my trust and my faith in your unfailing, undying and unconditional love:) which brings me to want to share abt this love. this love from God is really amazing because it was a gift. a gift that was so precious and so hard to comprehend. usually when we talk abt gifts from God we always talk abt spiritual gifts, abilities and talents but i learnt in this period of time that it extends to much more and when you open your eyes to see how far it extends to like i did, i hope you cry like a baby like i did. like seriously. why would someone go to the extend to give salvation and the holy spirit and even his OWN son's life for me? and to me the most amazing thing is that this love these things i mentioned above are all GIFTS.

i mean think abt it, a gift is smth given freely and on top of that, God gave us these gifts only because we allowed him into our hearts and allowed him into our lives. we are still allowed to reject it. so yup. all these things are blessings from above. like i feel that this thing i'm going through really just helping me to see God more and to really learn what is fully relying in God and REALLY putting him as my center :)

so, thank you Father for loving me despite all my sins, shamefulness, ugliness and fatness and everything that is unhealthy that i do. thank you for giving me the privilege to learn what is your love so early in my life, early as in like since i was a child, thank you for singapore life church, for my family and for the fellowship and friends you surround me with and lastly for the leaders, preachers and teachers in my life. and also thank you for your forgiveness, your bigbigbig unfathomable heart and love:)

thank you Father, thank you Jesus, thank you Holy Spirit, thank you the ruler and protector of my heart, thank you friend :)

Saturday, June 22, 2013

God's calmness

i would say i wouldnt dare suggest that if i didnt have God in my heart.
thinking abt today, i think it really marks some big day.
a day where i learnt to trust in God and learnt to let go to God and be sure that i have alr let go to God.

painful yes.

i wouldnt say i am totally fine. nor will i say i am in bad shape.
i would say i am at peace with God's decision.

i'm not mad. i'm not angry.

i'm just at peace right now. and occasionally just wanna cry. haha. but i'm human right.

i have cried out to God and asked why. i have questioned him and he answered.
i guess this is it. God's plan. its here. although its not definitive.
but here is the first answer.

i'm very sorry you couldnt keep it. that flame that brought us tgt.
why? i also dont know. maybe its God showing us he is a jealous God.

i know i remember. i remember every feeling, every heartbeat. every butterfly in my stomach.
every time my heart skipped. everytime i got a glimpse. maybe we were too excited.

i dont even know why we are here. maybe if i said no then and we stayed longer as friends first this wouldnt have happened either. i was just so sure. i guess. now we wont know.

i fell like crying. kinda. but idk why i cant..
ironically whatever happened today made me not wanna stay away even more. why. sigh.
God please be with me. tonight, now, tml. father please.

so i shall pray. and leave it to God now. that he can continue to calm this storm in me.
i shall pray that you can find God and hopefully the spark if God wills.
i pray more for your soul and more for your heart. i pray that God can give you strength and God can give you stamina for this road that i cant be with you anymore. i pray that God can give you hope and peace like he has given me. i pray that the holy spirit can give you all you need now cause i cant and i now know that from the start i couldnt and only God could. i pray that you can stop blaming yourself because it was given to us by God and i'm sure he has smth planned for us whether it is tgt or not. i pray that you can have a heart of thanksgiving and forgiveness. i pray that you can find whatever you are looking for in this time alone. i'm sorry i couldnt bring you joy or the butterflies you were seeking. or the passion or type of thing you were looking for.

i dont deny what happened there was good and bad, right and wrong. and i dont deny it was God-blessed and God-given. i wish you all the best friend. indeed in the haze in the blur, God provides clarity.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

These moments

Nothing to do is the worst. I keep going to that dark corner I have been avoiding the moment I finish a task.

The haze, destroyed my plans for tuition today. So I am stuck at home waiting for 7pm for Stomp at church. Trying to do things to distract myself.

Nth to do didnt used to be like this. I used to enjoy nth to do. But I can't now. Not right now. I keep telling myself wait huilun wait. And God will provide, God will create wonders. God will lead. But the human side of me, keeps wanting to feel upset wants to cry.

But I won't give up. I guess I will feel all these now but I WON'T GIVE UP:)

I won't.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor other

, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always h

opes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I felt that all those were there before. So, I will persevere. In faith. And in God.

Grace by blood

What I learnt today:

Grace by blood.

Blood by love.

Blood by Jesus Christ.

Blood by God's only begotten Son.

Blood by my sins.

So what exactly is sin?

Sin is white, black, true, halves and total lies. Sin is mistakes disguised as excuses that they are like illnesses, that we cannot change or grow from. But indeed we can.

We can change to be better people. We are created the same placed in different situations. So we must learn to be alert and keep track with God and his will.

So long as we seek God's will, everything will be fine. But yet we must seek with a heart if surrender and the knowledge that God is in control.

So we are blessed to be loved and to love. These are blessings God grant us on this world, so we must cherish God's blessings and use it wisely. Because it is definitely hard to maintain love but easier to fall in love. So yes, maintaining is so difficult. I pray and hope that we can get through. But I trust that God has the control and the best interest at heart than anyone here.

So now I thank God for giving me peace to sleep. Finally. Goodnight world.

If the psi kills me to tonight, just know that it pains me not to know who said it. So I can be strong with him. So prove it:)

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Fear of God

I am living in fear.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Fearful of God's judgement, fearful of God's decision. Fearful of my actions that are mostly mistakes. Fearful of not being forgiven. Fearful of not given another chance. Fearful of failed communication. Fearful of myself and what I can do. Fearful of you.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

⁹Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.

¹⁰For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

¹¹Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?

¹²And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

So I pray that we can strengthen one another. Because we have done it before.

I pray that God can continue to show his ways to me. I pray that the Holy Spirit can guide and that I can have rest soon. Hopefully. I need rest. Not enough rest is not helping me much. I pray for peace. Holy Spirit please bring me some peace to sleep.

Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And I thank God for the trials, I thank God for guiding. I thank God for everything. Even this fear. Because I need to remember He is in control. That's why I fear. Fear is not a bad thing. It keeps us in check. So I thank God for that. I have rested. Rested before bible camp. But now? I haven't since bible camp. WHY GOD WHY. Please grant me the peace to sleep for the next few days as I really haven't been feeling well.

Matthew 21:22 And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”

Father please listen to my prayers.

Thank you Lord.

Amen.

Please forgive me.

Please give us another chance.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

I did it! I finished my wallet!!! Now time to sleep, pray and have a safe journey to Malaysia! So happy to be going for bible camp. Hahaha. Forced to self-control which is a good thing also. So anyway! Today was a good day.

Playing w Nicole and Olivia and making wallet:) followed by bringing waiyee to meet sanfu team! And did the sinners prayer w her med by Meisi:) so happy:)

And friends reading, I want you guys to know I blog when I am really emo. Please realise I alw seem to end off with a verse when it's really emo. Because the verses bring me comfort and give me strength. Yes I will still be sad and etc but I am only human and I am not some strong willed girl. I men I am strong willed but I am v weak.

I am a v weak and vulnerable girl and so far only him and Him has made me stronger and more independent... So yep. Please know I am okay friends. Thank you so much it is really sweet of you guys. But God is my strength now!:) I can rely on my own self. S weak now especially. So yup.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Twice Today

I know it's super lame to post twice a day. But I just couldn't help it.

The feeling was just really strong today. The urge to do smith I promised not to. To ask so many things:

"did you have fun today?"

"i could drop by! wanna be at the beach but just not alone, so this is a great opportunity!"

"How's your ___?"

"Did you bring your sunglasses?"

"i miss you"

okay the last one is not a question. but.

i promised.

to stay away.

Knowing that he's so near I can see him if I want to.

But I didn't. I'm so stupid. So lovelorn. So annoying. So ugly. So disgusting. But I guess that's just all me.

Kinda feel like a dumbass to fall so much and so hard but like what a friend told me, she loves really deeply too. I know I let go and everything. But these are just feelings. God loves me cause of all of that and more. i know that. i just cant even stand myself how can God or anyone else do it too. hahahahaha. but i know he does. so i smile cause of that.

But I haven't given up. I just have ups and downs so. DON'T JUDGE ME. Today was just a kinda down side. My stand is firm and I am strong. 我的帮助从那天地的耶和华而来！

SO I EMPHASIZE, I am okay. Just (lovelorn?) bored.

So, I thought of this verse and what mushi once said during bible study:

1 Corinthians 13:4-13

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

So I remember that I must be patient, I must have faith. And I am no longer a child, I put my childish ways behind me. I can do this.

But I just keep thinking of 孙燕姿's 我也很想他 and 遇见:/ HAHAHAHAHA. Yeah. But that's life for me know. Hold fast to God. And pray. Just keep praying.

I miss him.

I am okay

I think my blog has been rather misleading. Haha. It has been filled with my emo thoughts and not so much how I have recovered from these thought.

So anyway, I just wanna say:

I am okay. I am fine. Not great but okay.

I have come to terms with what God has placed in my life, removed from my life and blessed me with. Like what my mum says "you have me, you have your crazy sisters and a brother who watches out for you" I have my family. Regardless. I am grateful for them. Despite everything.

All my friends keep telling me I cannot keep hoping you will come back, I can be optimistic but they feel I am being TOO optimistic. But I tell you guys, I am NOT, I have God. I understand I shouldn't be too optimistic. But I am optimistic not because I think the outcome would be ideal for me. I am optimistic in what God has planned for me. I believe WHATEVER the outcome I can rejoice, I can have joy and be happy in God's will and direction. I may take some time to recover but I know ultimately, it's God's decision and God's plan. And His plan is the BEST plan for me. I know this is hard to understand, finding strength in NOT myself but in some other "imaginary" being. But I tell you guys, my God is FAR FAR from "Imaginary". My God is REAL. My God is MIGHTY. And He PROVIDES. I know that he will provide. I know he will take care of me.

After these two weeks I have been angry, depressed, vulnerable, broken, helpless, despondent, happy and distraught. And God has been there very step of the way. My friends have been too.

I want to thank my NTU girls:) Who just cares so much for me. Worried so much for me.

And also My churchies sisters and brothers. These are the people in church who don't know what's going on but let me cry. Let me know I can be strong w God and I can rely and find strength with Him. And I say again, these people from church don't know the full story. They just know I needed to cry and be broken and they prayed for me. Prayed and brought me closer to God:)

So yeah, I am okay. I didn't expect so many people to know I'm upset. But God put it in their hearts to care for me. And I really needed people to care for me and to pray for me. So yeah. I am okay. I just miss him. A lot. But I know I can't do anything abt it. That's why my Goodbye, Delete post.

I'm still just hoping for what I hope for very strongly. But praying that God's will be done.

So I think it's pretty apt to end this post with the Lord's Prayer:

Our Father who art in Heaven,

Hallowed be thy name

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On Earth as it is in Heaven

Give us this day out daily bread

And forgive our trespasses as we have forgiven those who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from the evil

For thy is the Kingdom, the Glory and power

Forever and ever.

Amen

我们在天上的父

原人都尊你的名为圣

原你的国降临

原你的旨意行在地上如同行在天上

我们日用的饮食

今日赐给我们

免我们的债

如同我们免了人的债

不叫我们遇见试探

救我们脱离世界

因为国度，权柄，荣耀全是你的

直到永远

啊们

Monday, June 10, 2013

Goodbye, delete

I never knew it was so difficult to type goodbye. Just two words. Goodbye _. So difficult.

I couldn't even do it. I TYPED not even SAID. But TYPED "bye" instead of "goodbye". Because honestly in my heart the situation was FAR from good.

I said bye _ instead. Today I let go officially and significantly also. Just let go. Let God.

Today I also realised how tired I am. Tired of worrying tired of being scared. Tired of trying when I shouldn't. So I gave up. I gave up literally to God. Even told Joel to pray for me cause I was THAT tired I couldn't form the words out of my mouth in the midst of all those tears. Tears of release and of letting go. Tears of joy and also tears of pain knowing it may be the last and official time I can get a chance to say goodbye.

Today u experienced release of pain from saying my final goodbye.

But after that I couldn't delete it. I just couldn't I shake with fear of the unknwin. I'm like so sentimental I would like keep that convo but I deleted it. It took me the whole day till jun tian held my hand then I had the strength to delete it. Thanks juntain.

Bye, delete.

These words just never occur to me to be buried with such meaning till now.

I promised to stop

I will stop

I will just let God do his work and go to sleep.

Ilyz. I will wait for you.

Saturday, June 08, 2013

♡That little PEACE☮ from ✞

I am sorry. really. i overstepped boundaries again. I really was just trying to be closer to feel closer:/ I shouldn't have. Cause suppose to give space. Space I promised. Dear Lord teach me peace.

Well I did it again. Shit me:/

I got impatient and did things without praying. Well in my defence it was an impulsive reaction and attempt to reach out and feel closer to you. Omggxxxxzzzz I SUCK SO BAD:/ I'm sorry God and I'm sorry z.

Sigh. I am such an impatient girl:( but after yesterday's crying and briefing episode to God I really feel that I can be patient with this peace so.. NOT TO WORRY. i am back on track with waiting patiently. I am not NOT okay with it. I am absolutely okay with it. Cause I know when you are ready, God is gonna reveal his direction to me. Maybe not to what I want but as long as it is to what He wills..

All in all, i just really really miss you. a lot. every day. I will see how it goes... God will be with me..

So... I just did my QT. these were the verses that touched me..

Job 23:2-6, 10-17 “I am still complaining today.I groan because God is still making me suffer. I wish I knew where to find him.I wish I knew how to go to where he lives. I would present my case to him.I would make my arguments to show that I am innocent. He could give his response, and I would understand.I would listen closely to what he says. Would God use his power against me?No, he would listen to me! But God knows me.He is testing me and will see that I am as pure as gold. I have always lived the way God wants.I have never stopped following him. I always obey his commands.I love the words from his mouth more than I love my food. “But God never changes,and who can stand against him?He does anything he wants. He will do to me what he planned,and he has many other plans for me. That is why I am terrified to stand before him.Just thinking about it makes me afraid. The fear of God has made me lose my courage.God All-Powerful makes me afraid. What has happened to me is like a dark cloud over my face.But the darkness will not keep me quiet.

Job 25:3-6 No one can count his stars.His sun rises on all people. How can anyone claim to be right before God?No human being can really be pure. In God’s eyes even the moon is not pure and bright;even the stars are not pure. People are much less pure.They are like maggots, as worthless as worms!”

Job 28:12-13, 17-18, 20-28 “But where can anyone find wisdom?Where can we get understanding? People don’t know where wisdom is.It cannot be found by anyone on earth. Wisdom is worth more than gold or crystal.It cannot be bought with expensive jewels set in gold. It is far more valuable than coral and jasper,more precious than rubies. “So where does wisdom come from?Where can we find understanding? Wisdom is hidden from every living thing on earth.Even birds in the sky cannot see it. Death and destruction say,‘We have never seen wisdom;we have only heard rumors about it.’ “Only God knows the way to wisdom.Only he knows where wisdom is. He can see to the very ends of the earth.He sees everything under the sky. God gave the wind its power.He decided how big to make the oceans. He decided where to send the rainand where the thunderstorms should go. He looked at wisdom and discussed it.He examined it and saw how much it is worth. Then he said to humans,‘To fear and respect the Lord is wisdom.To turn away from evil is understanding.’”

Job 31:4, 37 Job 30:11-15 Job 29:2, 4, 6 “I wish my life could be the same as it was a few months ago,when God watched over me and cared for me. I wish for the days when I was successful,when I enjoyed God’s friendship and blessing in my home. God is the one who knows what I doand sees every step I take. Life was so good that I washed my feet in creamand had plenty of the finest oils. God has taken the string from my bow and made me weak,so they feel free to do whatever they want to me. They attack me on my right side.They knock my feet out from under me.They build ramps to attack and destroy me like a city. They guard the road so that I cannot escape.They succeed in destroying me, without help from anyone. They break a hole in the wall and come rushing through it,and the crashing rocks fall on me. I am shaking with fear.They chased my honor away like dust in the wind.My safety disappears like a cloud. Then I could explain everything I have done.I could come to God with my head held high like a prince.

More determined than ever

I think God has fueled me. After my previous post. I am fueled. To wait. Wait as long as it needs to. As long as it takes. God helped me see in this silence how much i am willing to go for us, for our love, for YOU. I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

Thank you God

I have to admit, I have not felt lost yet. So today, I did. I have cried for me, my relationship with God, my distance from God, my hiding from God. But I honestly have not cried for us.

Today I talked to Xinhui and Gladys and I realised I was still scared abt us. So I brushed it aside again. Then after at church I just can't help but want to SCREAM FOR HELP. Help. Help me God please Help me. I didn't know why and didn't know for what, until after choir. When I was taking the bus home from church with my sisters. A couple got on and sat right NEXT to me at the end of the bus. I couldn't help but feel so so sad. Just so sad. I felt myself needing to sigh many times from the pain I felt in my heart. And that I still feel in my heart. I haven't felt so sad yet but I did now. The peace disappeared. I couldn't find it I was just so overwhelmed with sadness. So when I reached home I just cried in the bathroom. My only safe zone in the house. Cried and cried and cried. I cried so hard I sat down on the bathroom floor as "oceans (where feet may fail)" played over my phone. Cried over the lost I never cried for. Cried over the possibilities of us not happening anymore. Cried over the fact that you may not love me as much as I am now. Cried over my mistakes and my stupidity. I just cried my heart out. Cried over every fear and possibility that could be the answer for this silenced. But halfway through my crying, the words of the song suddenly became so clear to me.. And I believed I surrendered. The outcome, the fate, the likelihoods, the possibilities. I left them to God. So I continued crying. This time crying out to God.. This time really asking Him to take over.. I don't want to expect anything. Only just God's will and direction. Because it will be the best direction and best will and best plan for me..

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Everyone around me keep telling me, stay strong, be strong, good be optimistic, don't jump into conclusions, don't keep crying bad for health. No one has told me just cry just grieve just let go your hurt your pain your heart ache. but today God told me "Cry child, Cry out to me. i am listening" so i cried and i questioned him, told him to take this pain away. asked him why i deserve this why you deserve this. i cried asking i know you deserve love and i know you went through so much and deserve to be loved and to love. and most importantly to peace and to joy and to happiness. And if I cannot give you this. Cause only God can. I cried cause I am not sure if God allows me to give you this. And I cried telling God this is me grieving like Job. I deserve your punishment and your judgement but please he deserves to be loved. Let me love him. Let me show him. But Lord if only you allow it.

And i realised then in truth I just have not let God take total control at all. I realised today. I needed to cry for the lost. I needed to grief for MY lost. Grief. i need to grief. I needed to feel this way so I know what it means by feeling this lost and giving God the wheel. I feel that only after what just happened today that i can fully fully give God the wheel. I know God did tell me this is going to be a long and arduous journey and that its going to be painful but God has been merciful. Only slowly showing me and teaching me day by day one thing at a time. God is such a wonderful teacher.

But don't think for a minute I gave up. I haven't. I'm just grieving my potential lost. I just let it go to God. Like my current wallpaper.

"I can conquer anything if you let Me. the choice is yours - the work is Mine. Let go My child. Trust me. I am greater than every situation of life" -God

Today, I prayed for mercy and God has been merciful. Today I prayed for God to heal the broken hearted. Today i thank God for letting me cry into His arms. Today I let my FATHER take my journey and bless it.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Dreams

2nd time in a row, I dreamt we were fine:) I really didn't wanna wake up:(
Well, reality sucks. Haha. But wait I said and wait I will. I will continue waiting until that day comes.

老黄瓜, even that word reminds me of you. haha. You said Once you like it:P
Anw, I miss you:) hope to see you in my dreams again:)

Matthew 6:31-34
Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? For after all these things do the Gentiles seek: for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

God has been really showing me loads and helping me loads everyday;) at the same time lettin me help people around me. So most importantly I keep thinking about "in the beginning". Hmm

In the beginning, how we loved, we cried and we united. I don't think it's gone, I think it's just forgotten. So maybe, yes let's return to the beginning and be grateful and gracious:)

Sunday, June 02, 2013

I love you Lord:)

Today I learnt I made a grave mistake.
Loving someone with Gods love but more than a friend.

Sounds like its not wrong right? But today I learnt that when loving someone, no love is greater than God's love. No love is more satisfying than God's love and no love is more unconditional than God's love. Looking out for that one person MADE for you is hard.. Because actually we really need to love the person like a friend. That's why no expectations would occur. That's why you can actually love that person made for you by God so easily as well. That's why you can spend your life with someone you never expect yourself to and never thought possible. If you start loving the person with love you know from your family and growth into adulthood, you would never love enough and they would never love you enough either. So this, today I learnt. That I made a grave grave mistake.

No wonder there was much unrest, unhappiness(if there were, cause to me I was v happy) and insecurity. Sigh. Insecurity- this word really eats me up and spits me back out. Starting to really not like this word. This word means I am not secure in God, I'm not walking with Him closely and represents a time to reflect on my life and where I am with God.

So maybe this is what God is trying to teach me during this short time spent apart. Idk how long more this is gonna last but I KNOW. Everyday, God is teaching me smth more. I smile when I type this;) so happy somehow. This peace. :)

So I prayed today with much difficulty, Lord I pray you take away what I want and this feeling I have and overflow it with you, and what you want and will for me. If it is not in your will, take this need to care and love him more away. Otherwise, bless us, bless him and let us run back to you like the prodigal son, hand in hand. I PROMISE. We will grow this time. Not just in plans and in words but in action:)

I love you Lord.

Ilyz.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

ilyz

交代给上帝- i think i finally understood what that means.
in the midst of all the tears and snot and shortness of breath, i believe that God has been very present in the phone call earlier. though it means more alone time again. but the shortness we spent was sweet. so thank you. i never felt so relieved before with so much peace in my heart now. i think i can finally have a good nights rest after so long. thank you. thank you everyone who stayed by me and listened to my rubbish, but now I remember i have God. and with God, who will be against me.

〈3 thank you God.

I love you.

&ilyz