CHRIST THE LORD;;my saviour

Saturday, June 08, 2013

Thank you God

I have to admit, I have not felt lost yet. So today, I did. I have cried for me, my relationship with God, my distance from God, my hiding from God. But I honestly have not cried for us.

Today I talked to Xinhui and Gladys and I realised I was still scared abt us. So I brushed it aside again. Then after at church I just can't help but want to SCREAM FOR HELP. Help. Help me God please Help me. I didn't know why and didn't know for what, until after choir. When I was taking the bus home from church with my sisters. A couple got on and sat right NEXT to me at the end of the bus. I couldn't help but feel so so sad. Just so sad. I felt myself needing to sigh many times from the pain I felt in my heart. And that I still feel in my heart. I haven't felt so sad yet but I did now. The peace disappeared. I couldn't find it I was just so overwhelmed with sadness. So when I reached home I just cried in the bathroom. My only safe zone in the house. Cried and cried and cried. I cried so hard I sat down on the bathroom floor as "oceans (where feet may fail)" played over my phone. Cried over the lost I never cried for. Cried over the possibilities of us not happening anymore. Cried over the fact that you may not love me as much as I am now. Cried over my mistakes and my stupidity. I just cried my heart out. Cried over every fear and possibility that could be the answer for this silenced. But halfway through my crying, the words of the song suddenly became so clear to me.. And I believed I surrendered. The outcome, the fate, the likelihoods, the possibilities. I left them to God. So I continued crying. This time crying out to God.. This time really asking Him to take over.. I don't want to expect anything. Only just God's will and direction. Because it will be the best direction and best will and best plan for me..

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Everyone around me keep telling me, stay strong, be strong, good be optimistic, don't jump into conclusions, don't keep crying bad for health. No one has told me just cry just grieve just let go your hurt your pain your heart ache. but today God told me "Cry child, Cry out to me. i am listening" so i cried and i questioned him, told him to take this pain away. asked him why i deserve this why you deserve this. i cried asking i know you deserve love and i know you went through so much and deserve to be loved and to love. and most importantly to peace and to joy and to happiness. And if I cannot give you this. Cause only God can. I cried cause I am not sure if God allows me to give you this. And I cried telling God this is me grieving like Job. I deserve your punishment and your judgement but please he deserves to be loved. Let me love him. Let me show him. But Lord if only you allow it.

And i realised then in truth I just have not let God take total control at all. I realised today. I needed to cry for the lost. I needed to grief for MY lost. Grief. i need to grief. I needed to feel this way so I know what it means by feeling this lost and giving God the wheel. I feel that only after what just happened today that i can fully fully give God the wheel. I know God did tell me this is going to be a long and arduous journey and that its going to be painful but God has been merciful. Only slowly showing me and teaching me day by day one thing at a time. God is such a wonderful teacher.

But don't think for a minute I gave up. I haven't. I'm just grieving my potential lost. I just let it go to God. Like my current wallpaper.

"I can conquer anything if you let Me. the choice is yours - the work is Mine. Let go My child. Trust me. I am greater than every situation of life" -God

Today, I prayed for mercy and God has been merciful. Today I prayed for God to heal the broken hearted. Today i thank God for letting me cry into His arms. Today I let my FATHER take my journey and bless it.