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God's Girl
Huilun
13.10.1992
Singapore Life Church
GMS(P),GMS(S),CJC, NTU





Provided by International Bible Society


Saturday, June 22, 2013
God's calmness

i would say i wouldnt dare suggest that if i didnt have God in my heart.
thinking abt today, i think it really marks some big day.
a day where i learnt to trust in God and learnt to let go to God and be sure that i have alr let go to God.

painful yes.

i wouldnt say i am totally fine. nor will i say i am in bad shape.
i would say i am at peace with God's decision.

i'm not mad. i'm not angry.

i'm just at peace right now. and occasionally just wanna cry. haha. but i'm human right.

i have cried out to God and asked why. i have questioned him and he answered.
i guess this is it. God's plan. its here. although its not definitive.
but here is the first answer.

i'm very sorry you couldnt keep it. that flame that brought us tgt.
why? i also dont know. maybe its God showing us he is a jealous God.

i know i remember. i remember every feeling, every heartbeat. every butterfly in my stomach.
every time my heart skipped. everytime i got a glimpse. maybe we were too excited.

i dont even know why we are here. maybe if i said no then and we stayed longer as friends first this wouldnt have happened either. i was just so sure. i guess. now we wont know.

i fell like crying. kinda. but idk why i cant..
ironically whatever happened today made me not wanna stay away even more. why. sigh.
God please be with me. tonight, now, tml. father please.

so i shall pray. and leave it to God now. that he can continue to calm this storm in me.
i shall pray that you can find God and hopefully the spark if God wills.
i pray more for your soul and more for your heart. i pray that God can give you strength and God can give you stamina for this road that i cant be with you anymore. i pray that God can give you hope and peace like he has given me. i pray that the holy spirit can give you all you need now cause i cant and i now know that from the start i couldnt and only God could. i pray that you can stop blaming yourself because it was given to us by God and i'm sure he has smth planned for us whether it is tgt or not. i pray that you can have a heart of thanksgiving and forgiveness. i pray that you can find whatever you are looking for in this time alone. i'm sorry i couldnt bring you joy or the butterflies you were seeking. or the passion or type of thing you were looking for.

i dont deny what happened there was good and bad, right and wrong. and i dont deny it was God-blessed and God-given. i wish you all the best friend. indeed in the haze in the blur, God provides clarity.