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Bituwin - template
Dementee - image

i think being sleep deprived offered some clarity. having only slept 1.5hrs ytd and today having a full schedule out. i think overall God is still v good to me. i just wanna share some thoughts i learnt today. especailly on acceptance.

i alwaqys thought i was a v accepting and accommodating person. but today i realized it wasnt that acceptance i needed to face. it was acceptance of the situation i'm in.

Today i had a rather pleasant conversation with my rather wise and objective friend. i would say i have been running around looking around everywhere for answers on what i should do. because honestly i dont know what and how i should be. i dont know if there is some code i should be calling. or some ultimatum i should be giving. or some timing i should be setting.

eveyrone i have spoken to so far all care abt me and are all thinking abt my welfare. but i really have to say, i just cant seem to grasp everything. maybe its cause this is considered like my first heart-break or maybe its just i cant really seem to comprehend my loss.

in one word, acceptance. i havent found it in me to accept the what has, what is and what is to come. i feel like i cant even think of the what is to come. because i think i have accepted the what has and what is. i really cant get a hold onto what is to come.

friend: think about it this way, he knew it wasnt fair to keep you on the hook. so he is telling you to go. fly away.
me: i dont want to fly away. i'm here to stay.
friend: how much justice are you ding to his pain that he already tell you to go. relationship is not anout giving you know. if you arent taking, the other person will feel left out too. as in the other person will try very hard to give already. and you are not actively taking. its damn sad
me: so you mean i need to take this, being happy and normal for him?
friend: its not for him. its for yourself. for someone to love you, you need to love yourself.
me: so i'm supposed to take the freedom he is giving me to be happy?
friend: i dont see self love anymore, only for him. yes. thats what people say move on. think about yourself.

so i guess i have been very selfish. clinging on to this thought and looking for asnwers on how or what i should be doing... wont help me and definately wont help him. i want to let go. and leave it to God. but i dont know how.

i have cried over my sins and my mistakes and laid them before God.
i have cried over repenting and coming before God asking for forgiveness
i have cried over surrendering and just fixing my eyes on God now.
i managed to cry over my loss when it became all so real thanks to adriel.
but i think i havent exaclty cried over the fact that the lost may not come back. i mean i did once or twice. but i think i still need to cry. 可是我哭不出来。


that conversation i had with my dear friend made me realize one thing. there wasnt a dull or terrible moment so bad that gave me a need to feel upset in this way. in a sense, upset here meaning upset about a possible permanent loss. sure i cried and was upset in between. but it wasnt for a permanent loss but alw ended with tears of hope and the knowledge that we will work out.

friend: stop going around fixing it.
 i dont know where else to turn but to the cross.


I want to learn to accept. i want to learn to fully and completely let go to God. I don't know if I can do it. But I after today I am reaffirmed in God. I know God will take care of me regardless the outcome. the scary scary outcome.

Fly away. Go ahead. I cut off all the strings now. But I keep mine safe and dear. I hope God will reattach them, otherwise I know he will reattach them to a better plan. Much as I don't want that. But I want God's will more than what I want. I want to learn to accept.