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God's Girl
Huilun
13.10.1992
Singapore Life Church
GMS(P),GMS(S),CJC, NTU





Provided by International Bible Society


Friday, July 24, 2009
keep believing

fly me to the moon and let me stay right there to die, take away my sorrows and my burden along the way, in otherwods, darling kill me, in otherwords, i screwed up.

rahhhhh. rahhhhh.rahhhh.
i dun think anybody will truely understand what i'm going through right now, one issue after another. one hill after another. i cant seem to climb over the mountains infront of me otherwise, am drowning in the pacific ocean.

i hate to look back and regret the choices i made, i hate to know that the fact was that i made a mistake, i hate to look forward knowing everything won't be fine.

but why do i still keep reassuring myself that everything will be alright when its not?

its like i cant breathe with all these things around me, i'm suffocating. really. i really really think i cant handle all these things at one go.

i feel like i'm the only one who cares abt macaroni, i'm sure i'm not the only one. but honestly, this is what it feels like right now.

this is REALLY A WASTE OF TIME, cause it can TOTALLY BE AVOIDED. but why is it SO DIFFICULT just to get a couple of people to want to know God more? and try to be the glue of them. superficial. everything. i hate to say this abt church things but its true, it exists, i know i cant do much to change it, but i still strongly believe that everything will work out.

again, reassuring myself of the impossible?

i really don't know. i really don't know how far this will go. i dunno how long i can tolerate this, i'm literally bursting. i cant carry all the believe that it will work out fine when i seem to be the only one believing it will work out.

not to forget my innate want to help my friends. does this make me easy to climb over? being too kind? being too nice? being too easy to bully? what is wrogn with me? i have over the years rationalized that these were good attributes and that i can put it into full use, good use. i have been trying. but i feel like everyone is stepping over my head.

like a friend told me once: "you let others step over your head too easily"

i've heard this line from my close friends over and over again. so many times over the years that i dunno if i'm being smart helping others when they don't help me. helping others when in return they hurt me, helping them when in return i get nothing, helping them and in return i dun benefit.

but i still help whereever and whenever i can. why?

today the first time in my life i thought "this is too much" - before i actually agreed to help in this other issue.

its not really just about macaroni, my social life and church and all, its everythign else, everything thats bugging me, like this old emotion bubbling inside me, this new person, marking a new start. but i must not let history repeat itself, i will not.

not to forget, choir, both sch and church. time, i wish it was extended to 30hrs a day or more and sleeping took only 1/10 of the day or something. so many things to accomplish. i sometimes wish i had insomia.

also my studies, my homework, my pw, my church mtgs, my church coms, my cell grp, my social life and my family.

i'm so sry to ian,jea,steve. i really cannot go out with you guys. no money, no time. i need both a lot. i have NO SOCIAL LIFE.

this has just been a very very hectic and tiring week. test my faith Lord, but despite all these rantings i will still believe that out of this i will emerge a stronger christian. i still believe that everything happens for a reason. i still believe that macaroni will grow, i still believe that being nice with nothing in return is what i do best, i still believe that God is in control and that God will provide. and that God will make my greys skies clear blue.

i still have faith that everything will work out fine.