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God's Girl
Huilun
13.10.1992
Singapore Life Church
GMS(P),GMS(S),CJC, NTU





Provided by International Bible Society


Monday, May 27, 2013
Crazy imagination

I have a crazy imagination. But right now my imagination is going everywhere. I have never felt this way before. Too many thoughts in my head. I have never come to this place before. It's so dark I don't know where to look, what to look for. Only remembering that when I look up, God can comfort me. I KNOW who to look for but is he looking for me too?

 What have I done again to deserve this? Everything I guess. Again. It strikes the most. Similar wounds from before I even knew you. Looking to the sea can't calm me anymore. It just brings me more pain and heartache. Lying on bed never seemed so difficult. Time has never felt so slow. My messages have never made me regret any more.

 Was it too hard a push? Was it too much? Did I overstep any boundaries? I knew they were there but I didn't know I was still counted an outsider.. Was i? Can you let me in? Why didn't I stop pushing you. Why did I do what I did. What are you thinking why can't I sleep. Why did I let it affect me? What do you want me to learn?

What have I done wrong? Everything I guess?
 Why must it hurt so bad? How long will this last?

 I don't want it to end......do you?

 I panicked. Envisioning our future with so time and little communication. I just wanted to communicate. I was just trying to find ways to communicate. I didn't want to push you away. The time you need. I just wanted to talk. Did wanting to talk tear us apart?

 All those other talks. All ended nice. Sweetly. Gracefully. Why is this so different? Perhaps cause of the different circumstances? Different environment? I have never doubting us before. NEVER. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER. And I don't want to go there. I don't want to imagine. But I did. That dark corner consumed me and made my stomach churn. No I will not allow it. I must get out. You would want me to get out. I will climb out crying if I have to. With God. With God I can. God will comfort me. God will comfort you. God will bring us back to daylight. I have never taken so long to sleep.

And I have never imagined a change in feelings could happen so quickly. I KNOW WE WILL BE OKAY. But it's just me. You talk abt decisions. Omg, that word. It scares me. Scares me cause that word means there is another. Another what? Another problem? Another alternative? Another life? Another kind of friendship? Omg. Please please please no. No no. I guess I never really deserved much happiness. But I have never been so happy before. Our run was better than perfect. It was God-given, God-blessed. And I pray. I pray. I pray. I prayed so hard but to come Back to see you change smth else. Meaning you need more time. Meaning this pain will continue. Meaning I HAVE to pray harder and hope more. But does this also mean there is an ending? NONONONONO. No. My pillow will not be soaked, I will be the cheerful Girl you love. Or loveD? :( somehow the more I write the worse I feel.

All I can do now I guess is wait. Wait for God's timing. Wait for God's peace and wait for the tiredness from crying to overcome my mental Activity. So that sleep can come in. I pray that you can find rest easier than me. I pray that we will be strong like all the other challenges we faced together. And that we will face them together yet again. And grow grow grow. As long as we are together. God with us. The three of us.

 Sleep has never been so difficult.

 I'm sorry please love me please forgive me please be with me. I promise I will walk with you. I promise I will be there. I promise whatever you throw at me I will catch it and walk together with you. YOU KNOW I WILL. I really will. I love you.